Life Lately
5am smoothies, secret projects, sobriety, sunset boat rides, and everything in between
This was supposed to be a quick little life update. But once I started writing, I realized a lot more has been going on than I realized. So here's the longer version.
Working at Barry’s
In March I started a part-time job working the front desk at Barry’s. It came out of a rough winter dealing with a string of health issues that tanked my mood, motivation, and energy. Being alone with health stuff all day has a way of turning your body into the only thing you’re paying attention to. No one around to pull my focus away from it meant I was tracking every ache and shift like a full-time job, and the more I paid attention, the worse I felt.
So I did what I usually do when life gets hard: get busier, stay in constant motion, and try to out-work it. I’d wake up, make my coffee, and sit at my computer for hours, chasing whatever I thought was going to make my career finally feel like it was moving again. I was convinced that if I could just be productive enough, energetic enough, I could override how uncomfortable and drained I actually felt most days. It didn’t work like that. Instead, I just ended most days feeling more isolated and more in my head than when I started. It felt like my whole world had shrunk down to my apartment, my health issues, and my own thoughts.
So the job was less about needing income and more about needing something to pull me out of the cycle I was in.
Four months in, I’ll admit there are still Friday mornings when I wake up at 4:30 a.m. and the thought of making smoothies and wiping down treadmills is the last thing I want to be doing. But usually, once I’m there, I remember why I took it. As someone who is pretty avoidant and fiercely independent, it’s been good for me to practice committing to something outside myself and adding external structure back into my life. It’s given me community with like-minded people I genuinely enjoy being around. And honestly, there’s something grounding about having a job that has absolutely nothing to do with my personal brand or where my career is headed.
Also, free classes are a great perk. I just finished our June challenge: 20 classes in 30 days (which I promptly used as an excuse to take another 2.5 weeks off from working out. LOL.)
What I’ve been building
I’ve been flying back and forth between Chicago, New York, and LA for months building something with a close friend I met on a retreat in Switzerland last year. I’m keeping the details close for now, but I’m more creatively energized than I’ve felt in a long time, and I’m pretty giddy about it.
What’s surprised me most is how good it feels to make something with someone. I’ve always had an entrepreneurial streak, but I’ve been a solopreneur through and through, so partnering up made me nervous. I run type-A and perfectionist when it comes to anything creative or career-related, and I braced for that to become a problem. Instead we agreed early on to treat this as a playground. Something we pour our whole hearts into while refusing to make it heavy. She matches my goofy, we keep it light, and the work is better for it.
I keep thinking about how a mountain looks completely different depending on who’s standing next to you at the base. Same climb, same incline, but somehow far less daunting when you’re not looking up at it alone.
Meanwhile…
I wrote a whole post a few months ago about how much I dread the "what do you do?" question. That hasn't changed. If someone asked me right now what I do for a living, I still wouldn't have a clear answer. Between this new venture, Barry's, freelance writing, content creation, building this Substack, and all my other creative projects, past and present, it doesn't fit neatly into one thing. For a while that bothered me, but lately I think it just means what I do doesn't fit inside one job title, and I've stopped waiting for it to. As much as I'd like to have one, I don't have a five-year plan. I don't have a five-year plan. I'm just following the breadcrumbs of what lights me up and flows naturally, showing up for it consistently, and trusting that the shape of it will become clearer with time than it is right now.
Up north
Every time I drive up to Wisdom Woods this summer, it hits a little differently than it used to. I live in the middle of a loud, concrete city now, so when I get up there, I notice things I used to take for granted. The smell of fresh air when I step out of the car. Peace and quiet, outside of the birds. Being able to put my feet in the grass. Waking up to the lake.
Our flower garden is unreal this year. Over the Fourth, my mom and I spent an afternoon cutting stems and putting together little bouquets to scatter around the house. The produce garden is thriving too. We get a lot of our food from the property over the summer, which is one of those things that sounds small but completely changes how a week up there feels.
Morning coffee overlooking the lake. Sunset boat rides with my family and the dogs. Long walks in the woods.
The older I get, the more I appreciate these small, ordinary moments more than anything.
Something I’m navigating
I’m proud to say that as of today I am 577 days sober from Feel Free. Woah, that feels surreal to type. Mostly because it wasn’t that long ago that that possibility felt completely impossible. My life has changed so much since then that most days I forget to appreciate how far I’ve come from the rock bottom I was in. I don’t question that decision anymore. But there’s another one I haven’t fully made yet.
What feels less solid is my relationship with alcohol. I’ve been thinking about it a lot lately. I want to be someone who can enjoy it casually, socially, in the right settings, and know when to stop. But I also know how easy it is for me to take things too far. That line between enjoying something and not being able to have limits around it isn’t always as clear as I’d like it to be.
My natural tendency is to shame myself into change, but I know from my past with addiction that that has never once worked. So instead of trying to force a fix overnight, I’m trying to be patient and get curious about it. Reflect on it. Talk about it. Let it be a process.
A year ago I never would have written about something this personal while still being in the middle of it. But I’m learning that when I show up honestly, two things happen: other people feel less alone, and I stop carrying it by myself. And I know from experience how heavy that gets.
If you’re in a similar place or navigating something like this, I’d genuinely love to hear from you. Reply to this, comment, or send me a message – whatever feels good. I think there’s something powerful about not sitting with it alone. And if this is a topic you’d want me to write about more, please comment and tell me that too. I love hearing what you want to read about, and it reassures me that there are actually humans on the other side of this screen reading this :)
Little things I've been loving lately:
Cat’s out of the bag - I have a boyfriend! He’s been around for a bit now, and he is amazing. His dog Colbie, is my little bestie – she holds hands, has the sweetest personality, and lights up every time we take her up to Wisdom Woods.
:) I also have a nephew! Well, a fluffy nephew: my sister and brother-in-law’s new cockapoo puppy, Archie. Living close enough to walk over and play with him whenever I want is one of the best parts of where I am right now
Current favorite wind-down sequence: warm shower, red light, journal. The shower signals my body to power down, and then I sit with my red light and brain dump until I run out of thoughts. (As an anxious girly whose brain never seems to slow down, this has been huge for helping me go to bed less wired.)
(yes, i really do refer to him as my nephew lol) Arts and crafts!! A creative outlet with zero connection to any goal, metric, or outcome, which is exactly why I love it. I’m the maid of honor in one of my best friend’s weddings this week, and I’ve spent months pouring my heart into something special for her. I can’t wait to hand it over – stay tuned for pics to come!
Live music. One of the few things where I feel genuinely, fully present. Bleachers was incredible. Noah Kahan is still my favorite (OG fan, love watching him live). And next week: Olivia Dean. Could not be more excited.
clearly having the time of my life at the bleachers concert at the salt shed lol My concrete jungle greenhouse. Twenty-five plants, first repotting survived, and I recently started experimenting with propagating. I brought two cuttings to my mom at Wisdom Woods earlier this month. Such a proud plant mother!!
What I’m reading:
Women Food and God: An Unexpected Path to Almost Everything by Geneen Roth. I'm really focused on healing my relationship with body image right now, and this book is giving me a completely different way to think about it.
What I’m listening to:
The Giggly Squad podcast. Lately I've been balancing all the self-help books and wellness podcasts with content that just makes me laugh.
Zooming Out
To round out the health commentary, I’m doing a lot better. Definitely not all better, but steadier. I’m still dealing with some pretty stubborn digestive issues that I’m working with my doctor to get to the bottom of. But I’ve felt better since treating the parasite, the good days outnumber the bad ones now, and I’m trying to trust the process instead of rushing to fix it.
Looking back over everything I just wrote, it’s funny what made the list: A front desk job. A jungle of houseplants. Flowers on the counter. Bare feet in the grass. Crafts with no real purpose. A handful of creative pursuits that don’t fit neatly inside a single job title.
A year ago, I probably would have only told you about the parts that sounded impressive. This summer, the whole list matters equally.
And I actually think that’s my favorite update of all.
Now I’d love to hear yours: If you were writing your own “Life Lately,” what would make the list?
As always, thank you for reading and for being here. I never take it for granted.
xx, kenz
Gosh, I LOVED this post! Felt so real, and though I know most of these great updates ;) , you wrote it so beautifully and humbly. Proud of you on this journey and the progress you've made. As we chatted yesterday, you may overestimate what you do in a year, but underestimate what you can accomplish in a week. 1% better every day, and I am proud of you and the life that you are creating!! Intentional, beautiful, and uniquely you! Super motivating :)
Proud of you always